Affirmations

When I am feeling like I lost my confidence and am doubting myself, one of the things that works for me is remembering my affirmations. I remind myself to start doing them everyday again. I also have to work to not let others affect how I feel about myself. Here are some reminders of what brings me back to me:

Every day in every way I am getting better and better

I am a loving, forgiving, gentle and kind person

I love and respect myself as I am

I am happy and radiate happiness

I love and accept myself unconditionally

Summer Memories

Summer vacation is the time to relax, rejuvenate and renew. Today as I was sitting on my porch enjoying the warm and breezy day, it reminded me of long ago summer days and growing up in Wisconsin.

I grew up in a very small town. It had about 200 people with 2 bars, a church and a general store. As kids we would spend our days swimming in the local pond and tubing down the river behind our house. We would ride our bikes all over without a care in the world. We left the house first thing in the morning returning only for lunch and dinner. Every Saturday night was bath night and on Sunday mornings we went to church. My mom always cooked a huge breakfast after church and Sunday was always just for family.

Memorial Day started off summer with a parade honoring the veterans. There were church picnics, Fourth of July baseball tournaments and a week vacation at my grandparents house 3 hours away. Labor day weekend marked the end of summer with the town corn roast.

I loved helping my grandmother who lived down the road with her garden and canning. The perk was getting to eat her homemade bread right from the oven. It was the best when the butter just melted onto it. My grandma made everything from scratch, even the butter.

Spending the day at the lake, family reunions, summer drives and going out for ice cream. Lighting our own fireworks display in our driveway, catching fireflies, summer storms and enjoying the rainbow afterwards. I love how happy these memories make me. They are what pull at me each summer to go back home to feel free and live easy again. I love how thoughts of those days can renew me. No matter how far away you go, there is nothing like childhood thoughts to soothe the soul. My wish for my children is when they are grown and gone, they will have some of their own happy memories to go to as well.

Who I Am?

I love being home with my kids and I am so grateful it is something I am able to do. This past year though, I have felt in a rut. I haven't been as happy as I have been in the past. I don't feel as fulfilled being home with my children and seeing to their needs. Sometimes I want to yell "what about me"! Somewhere along the line I forgot who I am. I feel like I have been asleep these last couple of years and now that I am waking up, I am realizing I matter too.

I started writing this blog to try and find myself again. I hope to remember what I like and what I used to do for fun. I haven't written in awhile and I think it's because a part of me is afraid to know. I am safe where I am, it has been a comfortable place for a long time and it is scary to even think about leaving my safety zone. I took on this role to be a mom and got so focused on being the best that I lost myself somewhere along the way.

I want to feel free and spontaneous again. I want to be the girl who believed anything was possible. I want to laugh for no reason. I want to explore new and different places and try new things.

When our youngest graduates high school, I want to be there feeling proud that even though I was a stay at home mom that I was still living my life to the fullest and being the authentic person I was made to be. Hopefully this journey of discovery will help me get to that point.

End of School Year

Our oldest daughter just finished her junior year and our youngest child his last year of preschool. Lately she has been this reminder of how fast times goes and how soon she will be leaving the nest.

When my son goes off to kindergarten, it will be the first time in 12 years someone has not been home with me. I am missing this security of feeling useful and needed. I know I am still both but with each of the kids it is in different ways and it changes year to year. I thought I was happy for this knew faze of my life and for my children's lives but I am realizing I seem to be struggling to let go of what has been my role since I first became a mom. It seems to change every few years and this time the adjustment seems a little harder.

I have given all I am to being a mom and have just started doing things for myself and remembering who I am again. The end of the school year reminds me again how important it is to do things for me as well as the kids. I have finally given myself permission to have something in my life that is mine and mine alone.

I love summer vacation, I love having the kids home everyday. I love letting go of the responsibilities of homework, lunches and activities. I am sure in August I will feel a bit different but for now I am going to treasure each and everyone of my children this summer. The plus of having children at such different ages is that it is a great reminder to me to enjoy every minute. Not take a second for granted. Even though it is a little tougher than I thought I am going to go into this next faze grateful for every second I have had with our children so far. I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything!

Project Enlightenment

Last Wednesday, our parent therapist who had been helping my son this past year at Project Enlightenment was let go along with all of the other parent therapists.

Marcus thankfully was almost through with his therapy at PE and they had given me other recommendations to continue helping him. What I am so sad about is how many children will never get the help he did because that service is no longer available.

My son Marcus has always had a hard time with separating from me. We brought him home right before he turned a year and I was his third mother within his first year of life. I truly believed if I loved this precious boy enough, everything would be alright.

Between 4 and 5 the separation anxiety multiplied for some reason and he started reverting to some 2 year old behaviors. After doing tons of research I was pretty sure he had some sensory issues as well. He wouldn't go to sleep at night, he couldn't stand loud noises or crowds. Instead of just playing during the day he was constantly worried about where I was, even going so far as checking the garage to make sure my car was home. I knew I had to get help when one afternoon, I was outside talking to a neighbor for about 45 minutes and he stood at the front door watching me the whole time until I came in. My husband was in the house with him along with all of his siblings.

A friend told me about Project Enlightenment. When we met our parent therapist, she new exactly how to work with him and bring him around. Within 6 weeks I almost didn't recognize my son. They helped him help himself. Our new motto with him was no matter what was happening "you can handle it" and it changed him. They had a children's book for everything we had been going through. He loved reading about the things that he was feeling or doing and learning better ways to handle them. It used to be exhausting being his mother. And now it is gratifying everyday to see him grow and come into his own. His confidence has grown so much over the past couple of months. Project Enlightenment also taught me how to better parent him and my other children and my confidence has grown along with his. We still have some more work to do but I know we are on the right road, thanks to PE.

Project Enlightenment changed our families life tremendously and it is heart breaking to me that this service is no longer available.

Real Mom 1

I have been worrying about what I was going to write in my first blog. I was trying to think of a good topic for mom's when I had a moment that shook everything up this week. We had our first encounter with head lice in my 9 year old daughter. This past week, I have done more laundry than I ever thought possible, scrubbed, vacuumed and picked through my daughters hair trying to get rid of this.

In the beginning, I was so overwhelmed, not having any idea how to treat head lice. I called my doctor who sent me to the pharmacist to help us get started. As word got out, friends called and emailed with home remedies and things that had worked for them. The most surprising thing about this whole experience is how many of my friends have gone through this and I never knew until now. It seems, nobody openly talks about their child having had head lice.

I started only telling people I had to and everyone I told had dealt with this or knew someone who had went through it. This door seemed to open that gave me the courage to openly discuss what we were going through. Everyone I talked to helped me find peace and showed me that this is not a reflection of me as a mom.

Know matter what challenges we face, something good can come out of them. This is what I am keeping from this experience;

No matter what we go through, our friends are our best support system

To laugh even when you want to cry (and I did cry over this)

Not being afraid to share our experiences with other women, I learned so much from so many mom's this week and am so grateful that I had them all in my corner

How strong my daughter is. She was so happy to stay home from school that head lice was worth it for her

Last but not least, being careful what you wish for. I was hoping for some inspiration to start my blog about "Real Mom's" and I definitely got it.